"Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."
My Boog Pages
Wednesday, October 1
Murder For Hire Industry Up In Arms Over National "Do Not Kill" List
WASHINGTON, D.C. (MBP) - As the deadline for compliance with the nationwide "Do Not Kill" list came and went, delayed by judicial squabbling, representatives of the country's contract killers reiterated their objections.
"Thousands of jobs will be lost if this act is allowed to become law," said Elmer Bloodworth, president of W.A.C.K, the Worldwide Association of Contract Killers. "If our members aren't serving a legitimate need, how do they stay in business?"
"The Second Amendment is clear on this: we have the right to bear arms," said Samuel Pinkowski, legal expert and professor at Sheboygan State Law School. "The right to bear implies the right to use. Why carry a gun if you're never going to shoot it?" Pinkowski also points out that "murder is not a federal offense."
"I didn't really start doing this for the money," says Jasper McHenry of Homer, Louisiana. "It was more of a favor to my sister. Her ex-husband kept coming around and beating the shit out of her, so she asked me to talk to him. Next thing you know, he's got an axe sticking out of his head." Since that first killing, McHenry has frequently committed murder for money to supplement his income hauling trash to the local dump. "I've even started disposing of bodies for some of my, what's that word, colleagues. Sometimes I can do two or three jobs in a month, and make up to five hundred dollars. Now I don't know what I'll do."
The legislation hits full-time killers even harder. Take Dominic "The Dwarf" Bartelli, of East Orange, New Jersey. "My family's been doin' this for three generations," he said recently over lunch in a restaurant owned by his uncle. "Ever since grandpa Pietro came over from Sicily. This ain't no cushy job either, some of these hits are rough. Like when my old man went into the Witness Protection Program, man, that wasn't no joke. But I got a lotta respect for doin' that. Now I'll have to go back to breakin' legs."
"Pass the garlic," he concluded.
Despite the potential economic impact, many people still support the list. "Oh, yeah," said Selma Whitechaple, former bookkeeper for Roberto "Bob The Butcher" Gambrelli. "I've been on the run for six years now, ever since Bob found out I was working for the FBI. Now I can never go home again, never see my kids. It sucks."
With implementation delayed, the anti-list faction is gearing up for one last push, preparing television ads, protest marches, and killings of strategically selected legislators. "If you're against this list, let your Congressman know," says W.A.C.K.'s Bloodworth. "Call them, send them a letter, or better yet, give them a double shot to the head."
"But you'd better hurry," he adds.
Such activism is little consolation to Jasper McHenry. Looking forlornly at the mass of brush out behind his double-wide, he says, "Now I can't buy that new chainsaw."
